Top Chef is like…..crack. No, Bravo isn’t selling it in $20 baggies at the corner of Broadway and Jefferson. Andy Cohen often aims for the lowest common denominator, but I don’t think he has quite mined those depths yet. Nevertheless, Top Chef is highly addictive, and Bravo knows it. They stretch out what should be a two-month show over four months or more. They supply you with your weekly hit for a few weeks, then throw in some sham white nugget for the off weeks. When you start to feel desperate, no worries – they repeat past episodes ad infinitum until the next new episode. When a season does finally conclude, you are forced to go on inferior Food Network methadone until the next exciting season begins. It seems as though the seasons are coming more quickly as well – didn’t Miami start just a month or two after the Ilan-Marcel debacle? The only show on TV more addicting than Top Chef is Lost, in the same Wednesday 10pm time slot. Hmm, I wonder if Tivo scored a deal with both ABC and Bravo?

            Top Chef is like…..an average state college student. If, as a Reality Show Professor, I were to give a grade out to Padma, Tom, and Ted/Gail, it would have to be a B. In other words, I think the judges get it right the majority of the time. Marcel was a genius in the kitchen, but it was Ilan’s food throughout Season 2 that I really wanted to eat. The judges are aware that Top Chef is not Top Cook, and Marcel just was not ready to become a True Chef – in most of the kitchens I have ever worked in, someone like Marcel would get his ass kicked after shift on the first night. Of course, the one who truly demonstrated the virtues of True Chef in Season 2 was Sam, not Ilan, so the judges blew it there. At least from my living room, Sam’s food looked just as good as Marcel’s and Ilan’s food in the semi-finals. If it wasn’t, as the judges have insisted, then they made the right decision, as they have said since the beginning that eliminations are not based upon cumulative season-long judgment, but upon that same night’s performance. (To get a glimpse into the rationale of the judges, read their blogs at the Bravo website. Especially important now that Anthony Bourdain is blogging there). It was a single night’s poor performance that doomed Tre in this season. Tre was possibly the most talented and well-rounded of the Season 3 contestants, but the judges correctly sent him packing for a remarkably bad off-night. Even when I think the judges get something wrong, nothing has been so off-base that I grow apoplectic. I guess I’m not like other Top Chef bloggers.

            Top Chef is like…..a box of chocolates. No, my Momma didn’t tell me that. From week to week, you never know what you’re gonna get. Each week, a different contestant seems to lose something. Important things, too, like their integrity, the respect of their peers, their composure, their sanity, their understanding of kitchen safety. Why should we wonder that such drama happens on this show? These people are locked up away from the outside world, going weeks on little sleep, facing challenges that more than anything seem out-and-out cruel in their time constraints, with no outlets to release their frustrations other than each other and alcohol. The lucky ones, such as Micah, get out early, with their outlook on cooking and their life priorities reasonable straight. Why do the rest of them stick it out in such a boiling cauldron of stress? Oh yeah, probably the 100 grand and the title … of Top Chef.

            Top Chef is like…..every other reality show. Particularly every other reality show on Bravo. I can’t be the only person who has noticed that Bravo has one format for their shows and plainly just plugs in discrete characters and discrete graphics to complement the discrete show titles. Maybe it’s just that the grating voice of the announcer makes it seem like I am continuously watching the same show on Bravo. Maybe it’s just that sometimes even the characters are the same (Tom, did you really need to go on Top Design?). Maybe Bravo saves on script writers by using the same equation over and over. A hip modern profession + drama + stressful situations to bring out the contestants’ worst character traits + tearful post-elimination vows to persevere = hit TV show??? I don’t know, I’m not a TV programmer. Still, I have to give Bravo credit - I do watch Top Chef faithfully and I am addicted.

            Brian is my choice to win/to have already won Season 3. Every week, I go online during the show and cast my ten votes in their poll in order to win a dinner cooked for me and ten of my friends by the winner of Top Chef. I know I am going to win this dinner, and I know that Brian will be cooking it for me. Just one question, Brian – does my dinner come with a box-of-chocolates amuse with a $20-bag-of-crack on the side?